Book Review: Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone by Joyce Meyer

(The book cover sure could use an update!)

Addictions. Such a complicated word. Such a complicated reality. As Joyce Meyer defines it in Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone, "an addiction is something that controls people - something they feel they cannot do without or something they do to alleviate pain or pressure. It is what people run to when they are hurting or feel lonely."

We've all heard about certain addictions - to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, shopping, exercise, eating, working, etc. But an addiction to approval? What's wrong with wanting approval? Just like many of the common addictions, nothing is wrong with the focus of the addiction itself (though there are definitely some where that's not the case). It's the addiction part that throws us off balance from a healthy state of being. In reference to approval addiction, as Meyer puts it, "when a person has an addiction the things they are addicted to are on their minds most of the time. Therefore, if a person is an approval addict, he or she will have an abnormal concern and an abundance of thoughts about what people think of them."

What brought me to this book?
I will admit to having some addictions, in particular an addiction to caffeine (usually in the form of Diet Soda, unless I'm in the midst of quitting it....again). And I'll admit that I seek approval from people, but an addiction to it? Well, somewhere inside of me I must've wondered if there was more in me than a normal seeking of approval, because the book title popped out at me from a list of recommended books provided at a Wellness Conference.

What did I think of the book (in a nutshell)?
Although I didn't agree with everything she said, I was glad I read the book. Ultimately the message is that we need to focus on our identity in Christ. We should pray and live into THAT identity rather than giving it away to others and subconsciously asking them to provide us with an identity that we already have.

The passage that hit me the most was the following:
"People who are in relationships with approval addicts feel manipulated instead of loved because the main focus of approval addicts is on feeling good about themselves. Everything centers on them, and soon the other parties in their relationships feel used. These wounded individuals are usually easily offended and touchy. Everyone must walk on eggshells when around them. They cannot be confronted or corrected simply because they already feel so bad about themselves that they cannot handle anyone even mentioning a fault in them or an area about their personality that needs improvement." (bold format added)

I never thought of myself as a manipulative person, but in this context I could see how my actions can be manipulative, especially within specific relationships, even though that's not my conscious intent. I'm also not proud to admit it, but the last sentence hit me hard. I've gotten much better at valuing myself, but still find that I take many things too personally. I'm all about working on myself and I appreciate people telling me the truth, but I tend to feel threatened or berated if it's not done in an extra loving, kind way (which is probably where the "eggshells" comment comes in). Yeah, it's something I'm actively working on.

Overall, the book didn't instantly change my life, but contained a message I needed to hear (my identity in Christ) and opened my eyes to the actions that I unconsciously take to feed my approval addiction. I'm now prayerfully working on living into my relationship with Christ through the Holy Spirit.

Additional comments
The book was first published in 2005 and could use an update. I think there is an opportunity to talk about approval addiction as it pertains to social media (which wasn't mentioned, presumably because it wasn't as prevalent at the time). Also, the Bible verses were hard to read as they were presented. Example: "May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love. (Ephesians 3:17)"

Final verdict
I lightly recommend this book. I think approval addiction is a fascinating subject that many people should evaluate for themselves. Her prescription for approval addiction (finding our identity in Christ, among other things) is valid and something everyone can work on whether they are an approval addict or not. I would be curious if there are other books on the subject as I believe this one could use an update and be presented a bit better. If approval addiction is something you're struggling with, though, this is a good place to start.